When my parents decided to divorce after 30 years of marriage, I found myself hearing two sides of a similar stories. My father would talk about things he said to my mother and vice versa. I could understand what they were getting at, but they weren't reaching each other with their messages.
I've used this experience in my leadership practice to be able to better communicate with people with different backgrounds and experiences. It's been so powerful for me that I devote an entire chapter of my book, The Four Fundamental Forces of Leadership, to being able to communicating on common frequencies. Let me tell you how I came to these concepts.
My father was a very direct, linear communicator. He processed information in a certain way and came to his understanding in a way that worked for him, regardless of whether critical components made it through. My mother was more abstract in her thinking and communicating. Sometimes, that process dug into issues and opportunities nicely. Sometimes, it went circular and didn't accomplish much.
During the divorce process, I noticed they were talking to one another in a way they could, themselves, understand but the other couldn't. Because of all the emotion and pain, they were unable to Respect the situation and work towards connection.
I likened how they communicated to an old car radio dial. In order to get the station you wanted to hear, you pushed the button of the station you wanted to hear and then moved the right knob a bit to get clear reception. Each of those frequencies represents a preferred way of communicating.
Each of us communicates, by default, at certain frequencies. We communicate and understand best at our particular frequency, but can function well enough within a range. We build competencies at communicating at other frequencies based on our experiences and the breadth of people and experiences we are around.
Even those that take pains to connect with people across difference experiences there are always differences in the frequencies people communicate with. Let's look at a couple of examples.
Sales people and accountants - functional differences
An accountant with social skills, jokingly, looks at the other person's feet. Sales people live to communicate, usually quickly and maybe without a lot of deeper thought. Stereotypes would say these two types of people won't get along or can't work together to get things done. Well, we know there may be breakdowns, but the absolute is absolutely not true.
The range of frequencies within which we can communicate well doesn't necessarily have to be in one particluar band. We have the ability to connect with various people along various places on the dial and get good things done, given our personality and experiences.
There will be commonalities between these two types of people. The organization's mission could be a common frequency and can serve as a bridge to make connection. When a common frequency is reached, the two people (led by the one that wishes to change a mind or bring forth a call to action) can look to uncover and embrace the differences in the other. Quality leaders will take pains to try to reach another person on their frequency by asking questions, parroting back information heard with some of each other's frequencies in order to reach common understanding. This Love for yourself, others and learning will strengthen connection and bring much more positive results. You are able to Serve yourself, the other person, the mission and the organization. I guarantee that it's a Fun but, at times, challenging process.
Working across "more difficult" differences
Sometimes, there are blockages amongst people and across an organization that prove to be more difficult to remove. Barriers around gender, gender and sexual identity, race, generation, etc. permeate organizational cultures. Processes used to connect across functional lines like noted above are still valid in communicating across other differences. However, there is more nuance and history with these differences which require some more training. It also requires more openness, humility and practice.
For example, leaders and teams will identify the frequencies they connect with - most notably their function, leadership level or team/tribe. Even though such criteria do connect a group, each individual has history and experience that might be, knowingly or unknowingly, suppressed or ignored which hamper positive action. Because of prior experience, such individuals hold this lens of difference at the forefront of their thoughts. They recognize the common frequency, but they are far enough from it because of other differences. When they feel their differences and unique experinece aren't being heard because of their difference (they are a person of color or a homosexual, for example), there's too much static in a frequency and they will act in a manner that protects themselves. They want to adjust the right knob on the dial to lock in the frequency, but they are kept from getting there. This reduces the potential for better dialogue and solutions.
It is up to the leader to develop processes to include wider bands on either sides of the frequency (and other frequencies) for themselves as well as for those they lead. Then, they need to make certain the content in those wider bands are heard clearly, embraced fully and integrated positively.
In my book, I get more in-depth into how The Four Fundamental Forces of Leadership can be used to help you as a leader connect with people across frequencies and differences. I also conduct a half-day workshop on how to connect across differences to instill best practice fundamentals in this area. Whether it be job role, gender, generation, race, etc. you can build capacity to communicate at other people's levels and help others do the same.
Lastly, let me reiterate this last point, Contrary to conventional wisdom, it is up to the leader to make the effort to bridge the frequency gap if progress is to be made. You want action to take place, so you need to connect with them in ways that compel movement. If the leader wants something done - just like with a marketing piece you get in the mail - it needs to communicate at the level of the person you want to engage in the call to action. If the message doesn't hit the right frequency, it gets thrown in the trash.
